My Poor Memory

Photo credit: Abhijit Bhaduri on VisualHunt

When I’m writing, the absolute worst thing that can happen is being unable to recall words, which is difficult and frustrating. I don’t mean words like dog or phone, but more complex words like antecedent and other “dictionary words.” I know a word exists and its definition, but I can’t pull it from my memory. It’s on the tip of my tongue but doesn’t roll off. I feel unsettled until I finally remember, or until I’ve forgotten that I was even trying to remember. There’s a term for this: anomic aphasia.

September through February are the worst times of the year for me. Historically, I have a debilitating depressive episode that until 2017, required several sessions of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), or shock therapy. The episodes and their severity didn’t stop in 2017; I chose not to undergo that treatment any longer because of the way it affected my memory.

Now that I’m in my fifties, I know age is a factor, as are taking medication long-term and having bipolar disorder in the first place. I forget all kinds of things.

A month ago, I met up with a high school friend I hadn’t seen in forty years. I asked her how she became a midwife, but I can’t remember her answer.

If I ask my husband a question, I often ask again a few minutes later because I’d forgotten I’d already asked.

Sometimes while I’m working on a writing project, I’ll get an idea for it but as soon as I’ve finished that thought I’ve forgotten the idea. I’d remember it if it was important, right? Wrong. This may be even worse than my word recall situation.

My psychiatrist warned me about the possible memory loss before the first of a series of six ECT treatments over two weeks. I was told it would return. It hasn’t. But I was desperate, and medication wasn’t working, and it was a last resort. The treatments didn’t work for very long even with maintenance ECT, which meant having a session weekly, biweekly, monthly, and then hopefully, not at all.

This year, I haven’t experienced a depression though I’m vigilant because winter’s just beginning. Because of the side effects, last month my psychiatrist took me off of lithium, which is the gold standard treatment for people with bipolar. Thankfully, my other medications are working. I can get out of bed every morning, even change out of my pajamas. I’m able to write, even with the memory frustration that goes along with it. And recently, I discovered the reverse dictionary. I’m hoping that helps the next time I can’t remember a word.